She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
