If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
