Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
