I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
