You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
