New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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