i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
