I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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