First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
