Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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