Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
