Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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