I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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