Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
