He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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