I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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