how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
