no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
