You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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