I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
