my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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