I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
