I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
