Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
