I got chris browned last night
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All I want is dick and wine.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
