Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
