$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
