Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
