she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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