Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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