last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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