There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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