apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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