If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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