Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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