She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
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A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
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I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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