I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
