i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
