I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
