There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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