I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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