He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
