The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
