hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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