...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
