I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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