Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
