you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
