My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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