he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Someone shattered a urinal.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
