Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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