3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
