My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
