God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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