If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
