I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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